What was going to be a good night’s sleep has turned out differently and I must honestly say that I am pissed right now as I type this.  I was in bed by 10:45 pm and ready to have a needed 8-hours of sleep.  I was freshly showered and set to go.  That was nearly 3 hours ago and instead of rest, I have laid in bed thinking non-stop.  It has been awhile since I had restless nights but they have returned recently and it is so frustrating.  I hate being tired and sluggish during the day.  I hate laying in bed physically tired but unable to sleep.  Sometimes I know early enough that this is the kind of night I am going to have and can take something. Other times – like tonight- it takes me by surprise. 

Tonight was our Common Ground pool party and I had a great time.  We had an awesome turnout and some new faces and that makes me excited.  I played pool volleyball nearly the whole time – good workout for nearly 2 hours.  I should be tired enough to sleep -right?

When I talk about restless nights, people who don’t experience these kinds of nights ask me what I think about.  You know – those annoying people who go to sleep as soon as their head hits the pillow – the people I’m tempted to hate.  So, I’ll make an attempt to answer the question – What do I think about that keeps me from sleeping?  Many times it is about something in life that I am stressing or worrying about.  If I don’t have peace in an area of life, that can be the focus of my thoughts. Often it is replaying events related to that area that have happened recently.  Sometimes, I imagine different scenarios and play them out – without realizing it.  It isn’t like I consciously say to myself, "Now, imagine how this would have been different if "A" had happened instead of "B".  It just happens and it is much later into it that I realized that I just replayed hours of events based on one or two minor changes in mine or someone else’s behavior or speech.  Sometimes they are changes for the worse; sometimes for the better.  Rarely does it do me any good. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with several things that I need to do.  So I go through the list and think about each one that needs to get done. I guess it is just one of the ways I deal with stress and let me just say – it sucks.  Seriously – I may sound like I’m being slightly humorous here but that is only because I don’t wish to sound so negative and whiney. (is it working???) I really am quite angry and frustrated right now.  So not only do I have the frustration of life issues that keep me from sleeping but I am frustrated that I can’t sleep.  And what needed to be a productive Friday is very likely going to be unproductive because I will be tired.

Sorry to rant but I needed to do something other than lay in bed and since this is my blog, well – tough.  I have paid for the right to rant and you don’t have to read this if you don’t want to.  Oops – sorry, too late. 

In other news, my talk in Troy went well. Thanks for your prayers.  I had safe travel and a great chance to catch up with my friends from that area.  Today I had my eye appointment – first one in about 8 – 10 years.  When I paid, I remembered why I don’t do these appointments.  I made the transition to soft contact lenses from gas perm lenses.  This is a necessary change for three months to prepare my eyes for the Lasik surgery that I am going to have later in 2005 most likely.  I’m tired of messing with contacts.  Cut my eyes.  Bring it on.

Okay – I’m quitting.  I’m hoping that my blogging has been a successful transference of my anger and thinking so that now I’ll collapse into bed for the remaining hours I have to sleep.

I’m heading out Tuesday afternoon for Troy, Missouri, to speak at a youth camp.  In the past, I’ve spent the week at this camp as a small group leader.  This year I will be bringing the message for their evening worship service.  I’m finishing up my talk tonight and will put finishing touches on it tomorrow morning. Should be set to go.  I’d appreciate your prayers for God to open the hearts of the youth to receive it; for me to be void of me and full of Christ, and for my safety and alertness as I travel to and from.

I’m excited about seeing several of my friends that live in the area.  I should be able to catch up with several at the camp and then I am staying the night with one of my friends and hopefully catching up with a couple of others on Wednesday morning.  The last time I saw many of these friends was December on our ski trip. So many of us are so busy with life that we cherish the few times we have to catch up.

Today I made three appointments: optomologist; dentist; and doctor.  You see – this is one of those areas I’m really bad about neglecting.  Just so you can understand how much I neglect this let me tell you about my phone call to the dentist.  I called them to see about setting up an appointment and to see if they would accept my dental plan that I’ve been paying for for over two years and I’ve never used.  When I asked about my dentist, I discovered that he had retired 8 years ago.  Yep – that was probably about the time of my last appointment.  I know the lady on the phone thought I was crazy. Why the sudden effort to make health appointments?  Ask Steve.  Once again – it’s his fault.

I came across these two quotes on prayer and they really spoke to me. 

"Prayer enlarges the heart until it is capable of containing God’s gift of Himself".  – Mother Theresa
"Prayer is exhaling the spirit of man and inhaling the spirit of God."  – Edwin Keith

Prayer should be our spiritual breathing.  Paul talks about praying without ceasing.  I remember when I was a child how I thought that was funny.  How could you pray without stopping?  What about when you were driving or walking or going to the bathroom? How could you pray when you had to see where you were going or what you were doing?  Over the years I learned what Paul meant.  I love Edwin Keith’s quote and it is an image I can not only grasp but can remember.  With every breath I exhale, I can think about making room for the Spirit of God in my life by getting rid of selfishness and with every life-giving breath I inhale, I can remember that I am receiving the life-giving Spirit of God.  Exhale – less of me; Inhale – more of God.  Exhale – less of me; Inhale – more of Christ.  I take breathing for granted anyway.  Maybe this will help me savor the fact that – indeed, I am still breathing.  Seriously – breathing is one of those things that we take for granted until we can’t do it any longer. When was the last time you thought about your breathing rather than just breathing?

Let me propose an experiment – a spiritual lamaze course, if you will.  In our effort to birth a new Christ-Spirit within ourselves, we will learn to breathe in a special way. Instead of "hee-hee-whoo;  hee-hee-whoo" like they teach in the pregnancy classes, we will breath "less-of-me" on the exhale and "more of Christ" on the inhale.  I don’t know . . .it’s 12:30 am and I’m tired.  This is when I get weird ideas but what can it hurt?  If you try it, let me know how it goes and if it works.

Peace – Melissa