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I Will Disappoint You.

Melissa Hatfield —  June 7, 2013 — Leave a comment

There aren’t a lot of things I’m certain of in life.  There are some obvious things I am certain of like gravity, the negative effects of reality television on our culture, and the existence of Smurfs.

One of the things I am more certain of than ever is I will disappoint others. I have all the potential and the ability to let you down and most likely have already and will again – as a friend; a daughter; an aunt; a pastor. Definitely as a blogger.

I have spent an inordinate amount of my life trying to avoid this certainty. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. And by “don’t want”, I mean “I’d rather do the worm in slow motion across a ginormous bed of hot coals” than disappoint anyone. During my life, I subconsciously came to believe my worth was tied to pleasing others. If I please others, I am loved and valued. If I fail others, I am unlovable and unworthy. I have the feeling many of you also developed this false idea and have been trying to shake it for a good deal of your life.

I will fail to live up to your expectations of me or the expectations I assume you have for me. Either way, those expectations will not be met sometimes.

I will fail you.
I will disappoint you.

I will fail myself.
I will disappoint myself.

I will fail God.
I will disappoint God.

And so will you.

Before you grab Ben & Jerry out of the freezer, finish this blog.

There is some good news here. Great news, in fact. News that I am certain of but struggle to trust sometimes.  Continue Reading…

In Faith
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The One in Which I Killed a Bird

Melissa Hatfield —  May 29, 2013 — 2 Comments

The other day I killed a bird. On purpose.

It was a mercy killing but still. I killed Antoine. (I don’t know if it the bird was a boy or if his name was Antoine but it looked like an Antoine.)

This is a big deal. It’s a big deal because I don’t kill. Really. I’m the girl who picks up the worms off the driveway after the rains. I’m the girl who gently catches the moth or fly and ushers them out the door with blessings and well wishes. I’m the girl who tries to get the wax off the June Bug’s legs after he kamikazes into my candles on the deck and becomes ‘grounded’.  I’m the girl who cried (real tears) in Lithuania when a team member raised a fist in front of me to squash an innocent bug just trying to make his way home across the kitchen table.

So to purposefully kill a beautiful bird is completely out of character for me. Allow me to explain, then, how I ended up ending a life.

I went for a walk and, as I passed through the neighborhood, I saw this little bird flopping around on the ground near the sidewalk. I stopped and observed that little Antoine was struggling to stand up. So, I gently set him up on his feet. He hopped around a little and then fell back over. That was the moment I knew I was in trouble because I could not un-see what I had just seen. If I kept walking, I would think of that little helpless bird and all the neighborhood dogs that might find him defenseless. I texted a friend for options and he stated what I believed to be true as well. “You aren’t going to be able to put it out of it’s misery. So you need to leave him and walk away.” That wasn’t an option either.

R.I.P Antoine

R.I.P Antoine

So, I picked little Antoine up and started walking with him cradled in my hands. I knew this wasn’t going to end well for either of us but if he died at least he wouldn’t be alone. As I walked, I prayed for God to use my little hand cocoon as a miracle oven and heal the little guy. I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone just like Jesus asked many in Scripture to do after witnessing a miracle. But no miracles. After awhile, Antoine was even more contorted and I knew that there was nothing that could be done for him. He was going to die. And most likely it would drag on or some animal would get him.

I was going to be miserable no matter what – if I abandoned him or if I killed him. At least Antoine’s misery could end quickly.

I found a hidden part along the trail and set Antoine down in a pile of grass and leaves and watched him struggle. The tears were coming now and I was praying for strength. I looked around and found the biggest rock I could find – something that would make it quick and painless. I lifted the rock high above Antoine and held it there. I went back and forth about whether I could do this. Just as I was getting the nerve to drop it, a little, innocent human family came around the corner and I quickly lowered the rock and acted like I was looking at something interesting on the surface of the rock. At least I could shield these children from the trama and brutal reality of life and death.

After they passed, I picked up the rock and lifted it high above Antoine. I asked his forgiveness and after several seconds which seemed like minutes, I dropped it.  Continue Reading…

In My Life
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How My Niece Schooled Me on the Playground

Melissa Hatfield —  May 22, 2013 — 2 Comments

Recently, I was at a local park with my family for my nephew’s cub scout picnic. During some down time, I took my five-year-old niece down the hill to the playground to burn off some energy and enjoy the gorgeous spring day.

She went straight for the swings. After hopping up in the seat and grabbing hold of the chains, she gave me the “push me, Aunt Moe” look followed by verbal confirmation.

Morgan soaring on the swings. I clearly excel at pushing.

Morgan soaring on the swings. I clearly excel at pushing.

So I pushed her, she started pumping her legs and everyone was happy.

Except for a little girl sitting on the swing next to my niece. She was around 4 or 5 years of age and was at a “sit still”. She called out to her daddy who was nearby reading a book. “Push me, daddy. Push me.”  But he didn’t look up from his book.  She said this a few times with no acknowledgment from her dad.

Then, Morgan looked at me as she swung past me and commanded ….

PUSH HER, AUNT MOE.

In her mind, it was so simple. There was a little girl who needed a push and I knew how to push. So – push her. You could almost hear Morgan utter “DUH” as she swung back by me. Stop standing there when you know what to do.

It struck me that perhaps this is what God utters a lot to me.

Near me is someone who is at a stand still. They need a push – a nudge, an ear, a hand, a chance, a break, an advocate.

God looks at me and commands ….

PUSH HER, MELISSA.

In God’s mind, it is so simple. There is someone who has a need and I am able to meet that need. So – do it. I can almost hear God utter “duh” as I “pray” about whether I should act. Stop standing there when you know what to do.

I could not and did not push every child that was at that playground that night and wanted to swing.

But I did help one little girl who was near me when my niece’s voice broke through to make me aware of this one who had a need that I could do something about.

As kids do, the girls continued to swing for about three minutes and then Morgan slowed herself down and got off the swing. Her new friend did the same and as she ran past me following my niece I heard her call out to Morgan, “Can we play together?”

Morgan had advocated for her. Morgan had moved someone to help her. And that made this little girl trust her and want to call her friend.

Perhaps the same will happen when we listen to God to help someone. Perhaps we can help them connect the dots that it is God who advocates for them. God has moved us to help them. And just maybe they will want to call God friend as well because of it.

Or maybe, at the very least, I simply gave someone a push that got us both moving out of a stand still.

In Faith
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