One of my favorite movies is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind starring Jim Carey and Kate Winslet.  In the movie, Joel, the uptight, Eeyore guy falls for Clementine, the bohemian, Jenny Gump type girl. They have an amazing relationship until Clementine gets bored and tired and changes her mind.  Fortunately for her and to the anguish of Joel, Clementine is able to have Joel erased from her memory.  The movie focuses on Joel’s attempt to erase Clementine from his memory but erasing her from his heart proves to be more difficult than he thought.  Eternal is a tremendous movie with depth and poetry.  I always marvel at the minds that can capture and pen such amazing insights yet so subtle that you honestly think you are the only one who caught it.

Relationships are tough.  They are work.  I think that is what scares me the most about commitment.  The work.  The truth that I can’t just ignore or avoid things when it is convenient for me.  The scary realization that you are in this together.  I know that this is comforting to many people.  I know this simply because they say it is and because so many people go for it.  I don’t know it from personal experience.  I hear “in this together” and I hear prison doors slamming shut and Percy Wetmore yelling in the background “Dead Man Walking”.  My worst nightmares involved marriage ceremonies where the countdown is on, I’m in white and dead-sure I’m about to make a big mistake.  And by nightmares, I mean literal nightmares – “wake-up-in-cold-sweats”, “i-need-to-go-for-a-walk” nightmares.  

I’m scared of the work and failing at it. Right now, I have it pretty good.  The single life is good.  I don’t have to be nice in the morning.  I don’t have to wait to use the bathroom or shower.  I don’t have to be angry with anyone other than myself about dishes left in the sink.  And even then, I’m pretty easy on myself.  I mean, we all make mistakes, right?  It’s totally understandable when I make one.  It’s when others make them that it can get a little inconvenient and frustrating.

I know I sound completely selfish but I’m being honest. Marriage is a scary concept to me.  It isn’t that I don’t want to be selfless. I just know it is going to require a lot of work to be selfless.  What if I can’t pull it off?  What if I get antsy in marriage the way I get antsy at work or with hobbies?  What it I want to bolt and run? What if I change my mind?

“in this together” means “the good, the bad, the ugly in this together”.

Can I handle that?  Can I handle someone knowing with pain-staking accuracy my bad and my ugly?  Because if I get married, it is a guarantee that he will be very familiar with my bad and my ugly.

In the movie, there is this very brief but very significant dialogue between Joel and Clementine.

Joel: I don’t see anything I don’t like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will, and I’ll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that’s what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.

What an amazing and honest discussion.  Clementine isn’t opposed to the relationship. She’s scared that she’ll feel trapped even if she doesn’t want to feel trapped. She’s afraid she’ll hurt him even if she doesn’t want to hurt him.  When she finally admits this out loud to herself as well as to Joel, Joel says “okay”.  Not like an “okay-fine-be-that-way” okay but an “okay-i-love-you-and-your-worth-the-risk” okay.  At that moment, grace surges through every part of her being.

I completely get Clementine. I wish I didn’t but I do.   And as is the case for most of us, our relationships with people often reflect our relationship with God.

Author Lauren Winner writes “I hope I remember, when I’m bored with Him [Jesus], and antsy, and sick of brushing my teeth next to the same god every morning, I hope I remember not to leave Him.  I am not so worried that He will leave me.  The Bible, after all, is full of stories about God sticking with His bride, no matter how stiff-necked and prideful and unfaithful she may be.” (Girl Meets God, 26)

God:  I don’t see anything I don’t like about you.
Melissa:  But you will!  But you will, and I’ll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that’s what happens with me.
God:  Okay.

What a beautiful four-letter word of grace to me.

A few months ago, I made the decision to write a better story.  Not a literal story (yet).  Instead,  I decided to  live a better story with my life.  If you are familiar with author Donald Miller than you are probably familiar with the language of “living a better story”.   It is the central theme of his book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.  I read that book annually since it was published in 2009 and I’ve taken a couple of sporadic steps to live a better story – like booking a trip to Uganda or getting out of bed.

Coming into 2012, something really clicked for me. Maybe it was the sound of my aging knees.  Maybe it was something else.  Whatever it was, I connected with the idea that I wanted to live a better story and that the only way for me to live a better story was for me to actually live a better story.  (Soooo radical and complex, I know.)

So I did a quick assessment of my issues – most of them at least – and the next steps I needed to take to live a better story.  One of the first things I did was register for Storyline with Donald Miller which is basically “How to Live a Better Story: 101″ but really should be titled “How to Gut Yourself Like a Fish:  801″.   I actually just returned from Storyline in Nashville today and will share more about the experience in another post. Right now, I’m self-medicating in preparation for the first cuts. 

I also attended a conference a couple of months ago called “Getting Things Done“.  It has been around for a long time but I wasn’t as concerned with getting things done before.  Actually, I think I had come to believe that no one gets anything done.  How could we?  There is simply too much to do.  If someone actually gets stuff done than they obviously don’t have enough to do.  Completely logical.  But part of living a better story for me was to actually get things done.  To find balance in life.  To have a system I trust to process all the things that are inputted into my life.  The GTD workshop was worth every penny.  It has really helped me develop a system that enables me to manage what I should be able to manage. It also helps me say no to those things that I don’t need to manage.

But one of the biggest things that I needed to address as I began this quest to live a better story was my health.  Over the past few years, I’ve put on a ton of weight. There were a combination of issues – not the least of which was a so-called friend named Little Debbie looking all innocent in her little blue gingham shirt. You can’t trust women who wear blue gingham. They are nutty and should be behind bars.  Regardless …. I put on the weight and in order for me to live a better story, I need to lose a 12-year-old girl.  So far, I’ve lost a toddler (30 lbs).  Which is awesome.  But I have 10-year-old boy who is clinging on for dear life.  But no worries – I’m dumping him like yesterday’s indigestible food.

I have this great route I walk from my house to a nearby lake and back.  As I return to my house, I have to walk down a sidewalk that is adorned on both sides by really tall flowers and weeds.  Each time I approach it, it reminds me of the crowds at the end of a marathon (I’ve seen videos).  So, I stick out my arms on both sides and with palms out, I run down the finish line giving and receiving “fives” from all my friends.  They are like my own personal champions cheering me on – “Way to go, Melissa!”  ”Another great workout, Mel!”   “Guuurl, look at you living one bad$&* story!” (that last one comes from the thistle weeds).

Here is what it looks like:

What are some things you need to do to live a better story with your life?  Leave a comment below!

I realized a few years ago how to ruin someone’s moment. I learned it because my moment was stolen and then God gave me a Rhett Butler slap across the face to wake me up to my hypocrisy and the fact that I steal moments myself.

Here is a common scenario. You are in the grocery store pushing your cart up and down in the inner aisles where the processed food hangs out and avoiding the outer aisles where the food is wholesome, pure and no fun. On your third pass by your BFF, Little Debbie, you run into a F (friend, of course) from work.

Hey, F. How are you?

I’m tired but so excited. My family is leaving in the morning on a little mini-vaca to the beach! I cannot wait to get out of town!

And then the ruin.

That’s great. You’re so lucky. I wish I could get out of town.

Boom. Moment potentially ruined. I say “potentially” because I have learned in life that we have more ownership of our emotions and reactions than we give ourselves credit for but regardless the potential is there to ruin someone’s moment.

Instead of it being about them, we’ve now transitioned it to be about us. And guess what folks …. it’s not about you. 

I know I am guilty of this still. I use to be a repeat offender and if someone said something about having a day off or eating a swiss cake roll, I would reply “I wish I ….”.

When I’m on the receiving end of this, I immediately struggle with feelings of guilt that I’m getting this awesome thing and they aren’t or being defensive, like they are questioning whether I deserve it or not. My reaction is illogical and irrational. But it is honest.

And after God “Butler-slapped” me, I realized that I didn’t want to ever cause someone else to feel that way. I didn’t want to ruin their moment. I wanted to celebrate their moment. I wanted to share in their moment – not steal from it.

I still fail at this sometimes but not as much as I use to fail. God helps me breathe and keep the focus where it should be – on loving the other person and being present with them.

So, the next time someone texts you and says, “I just took a a glorious two-hour nap!”, breathe and instead of saying, “I can’t remember the last time I took a nap!”, respond with “That’s awesome! You deserve it!” And then go reward yourself with a Little Debbie snack for not ruining someone’s moment.

Do you every ruin moments for others? Any tips on how to keep the focus off of ourselves and on others?

At youth group on Wednesday night, we talked about scars. There are physical scars that we all have, scars that open the door to some pretty amazing stories.  Stories about falls in the shower that ended with a face plant on the side of the tub and a gash in the chin.  Or a cool trick on a skateboard that turned out to be a not so cool trick.  Maybe a story about being so excited about getting asked to prom your junior year by the cute cross country runner that you ran down the hallway, grabbed the door frame to swing around and accidentally cut your wrist.  (Not saying that last one actually happened or anything but if you want to see the scar ….)

Physical scars don’t usually hurt.  Sometimes the memories associated with them do but physical scars often just remind us of a pain that we once felt, a wound we once suffered.  The multiple scars I have don’t hurt in the least.

Emotional scars are another story entirely.  Everyone has emotional scars – scars representing deep wounds in our hearts, our minds, our souls. They take so much longer to heal and they are  infinitely more fragile than physical scars.  The slightest word, sight or thought can rip them open again and the pain feels like the first infliction. And because they often aren’t visible, it is easier for us to cover these scars and pretend like they aren’t really there – that everything is fine.  Just as a physical wound festers and gets worse the longer it is ignored or buried,  so do our emotional wounds.  They begin to eat away at us inside and ooze into every aspect of our lives – our thoughts, our spirit, even our physical body.

Scars are a part of our story.  But they don’t have to BE our story.  

Easter is a story of scars – scars in wrists and feet, in brow and side.  Scars that tell a story of love and sacrifice – love for you, sacrifice for us. Scars that were freely received so that we might freely live – victorious over, rather than enslaved to, our own wounds and pains.

Part of writing a better story is removing wounds from the leading role in our lives.  They are supporting roles – nothing more.

May we find the courage this Holy season to share our scar stories with the One who already knows and understands. May we find the courage to deal with the scars that we have not allowed to heal and experience freedom from the wounds of our past and the wounds that have yet to come.

Being stuck is a great moment. It may be characterized by frustration, loneliness, or detachment, but those things are only the vocabulary of our souls telling us we are in danger. It is the cry of our souls craving for more. It is our longings and yearnings trying to get our attention. It is a summons, a call from within. It is the glorious music of disaffection and dissatisfaction with where we are now. It is the anguish of our interior life pleading with us—not to give up, but to give in. It is the Holy Spirit stopping us dead in our tracks so we can read the words that God has written on our hearts—surrender.  - the great Mike Yaconelli

I’m feeling kind of stuck lately.  Until I read this quote that I posted nearly six years ago on my blog, I was feeling it sucked to be stuck.  Being stuck kind of makes me feel like this picture – - and adrift at sea also relates.

But I’m looking at it wrong again (as is often the case).

Feeling “stuck” can be a pivotal moment in life where you respond to the stirrings inside you that prevent you from wasting moments. Being stuck can be a catalyst to spring us into new action that is God-ordained and God-inspired.  Stuck is a slow and subtle slap across the face to get our attention and draws us into God’s presence in order to seek His peace and His direction.

Maybe, getting stuck is necessary before we can get unstuck…which means that getting stuck is actually a wonderful place to be.

When you look at it like this, then getting stuck is not only a necessary part of spirituality, it is a prerequisite to spiritual growth.

Most of the Church considers being stuck a negative, a sin of failure or burn-out, an indication that a person isn’t working hard enough on their spiritual life. It’s a report card on personal Bible reading and prayer, and the grade is F. If you feel stuck in your spiritual life, then you aren’t doing something right because no one should be stuck with God.

Nothing could be more untrue. The truth is that everyone should be stuck with God many times because it is the prerequisite to being unstuck. – Mike Yanconelli

Are you feeling stuck?  Does this twist on “stuck/unstuck” resonate with you at all?  How can this be a wonderful place for you?