It’s Tuesday night and that means c-group adventures.  I arrived at my house after a run to find two of my guys chillin outside in the street.  They were sitting in lawn chairs by one of their cars listening to techno music.  Of course it was a perfect night for such activity.  I joined them for awhile before some of the others arrived.  Later they were practicing a little kung-fu trickery.  Enjoy the shot…

No one got hurt in the making of this photo.

Oh yeah – Bible study happened too.

In case you were wondering.

Which I would wonder too based on my descriptions of c-groups sometimes.

What a gorgeous day today!  I took a late lunch, grabbed Subway and went to the Governor’s Garden for a great lunch outside. It was a picture perfect day.  There were several kids at the garden on a school field trip and it was nice to hear the sounds of them playing while sitting in the sun.  I was thanking God repeatedly for such a blessing of a day.  The beauty is not lost on me that is for sure.  I sat outside for awhile just listening to the sounds of spring (ironically).  I watched a Monarch butterfly make its way around the garden.  I felt the warmth of the sun on my face and my feet.  I prayed through many things and felt God’s warmth embrace me.  It was one of the most nourishing lunches I’ve tasted in a long time.

I did something progressive today.  I took tomorrow morning off so Preston and I can celebrate the day by playing golf!!!   Yep.  I worked 12 hrs on Monday and 10 hours today.  Thursday (which is my day off) will be spent in a conference all day in Columbia.  So I definitely deserve to take the morning off and since it is such gorgeous weather and I know this is a brief window to enjoy, I’m hitting the greens tomorrow and I just know it will be a great game!  I’m going to have my lowest score to date.  I can feel it.

"Our incredulity in the face of God’s immense love, and also self-hate or an unyielding sense of guilt, can be formidable obstacles to God’s love and are often subtle and unrecognized forms of pride, in putting our ‘bad’ above his mercy."

I’ve been processing (I know – surprise, surprise).  I had so much to think about from my conversation with Preston the other night.  We are alike in so many ways and understand each other to a degree that is down right scary. And Preston has the ability to call me on things in such a compassionate way that brings me clarity.  It is in our nature – both of us – to be overly self critical.  In a constant state of self-analysis and self-desconstruction.  Do we enjoy this?  No. Does it annoy people around us?  Guaranteed.  Do we wish we could stop?  Most definitely.  But it is an internal battle that is constantly engaged.  I have standards that I hold myself to and these standards are on saint proportions. The only major problem is that I am not a saint.  I am human.  Yes, I, Melissa, am human.  Now, each of you know this.  You have no difficulties understanding and believing this, I am quite sure.  You see my imperfections and flaws and yet, most of you, still choose to love me – or at the very least tolerate me. And you really give it no more thought than you give to your weekend plans.  I, however, wallow in this mud-pit of self-critique chastising myself for not forgiving more quickly; for not loving more; for not living and thinking more selflessly. 

Resulting consequences of this mindset:
1. When people genuinely like me and care for me I am truly amazed and humbled by their choice. 
2. It has helped me to have a viable schema with which to pathetically grasp the incredulousness of grace.
3. I can tend to be a very self-absorbed person. 
4. I rob myself of the freedom found in Christ.
5. There is a tendency to keep people at a safe distance so they don’t see your weaknesses or true nature.  The more people get to know you, the more likely they are to … well, know you.  And that can’t be good, can it?  Not if I assume they are expecting to find perfection just like I’m expecting perfection there to be.

But most aren’t expecting to find perfection.  They would be worried if they did.  It is only me that is expecting such a ridiculous and impossible thing.

So how do I learn to not expect so much?  How do I learn to give myself a break?  How do I learn extend grace to myself as well as to others?  These are rhetorical questions to myself tonight.  I don’t have the energy tonight to answer them.  I think that it is simply enough tonight to ask the questions.  It is a small step in the right direction.

I was the guest preacher this morning at Little Bonne Femme Church outside Columbia, MO. The pastor had asked me to fill the pulpit in his absence.  It was a great experience.  The church is a lot smaller than the church I currently minister in and it was a refreshing change. The very laid-back atmosphere, the small but passionate adult choir, the endearing children, the general shout-outs during the announcement time. Refreshing indeed. It is interesting to go and preach with a group of people that you have no established repoire with. Very different.  They were incredibly friendly and receptive.  I was blessed to have my friend, Maria, along with me. It was great to have her along for the day.  She is becoming a very dear friend.  After services, we had a great lunch at Longhorn’s in Columbia.

After tonight’s Chi Alpha (our youth worship service), Preston and I stayed around talking late.  I always enjoy our intellectual adventures.  Preston – thanks for being such an awesome friend.  I could try and sum up our conversations for you but I’m not up to the task at this late hour.  It would be impossible to condense what we shared into mere words in this blog space.  It would never do justice.  In general, there really weren’t that many resolutions in our conversation and surprisingly – I enjoyed it.

I spent some time reordering some personal budget issues this weekend. My goal is to become a female version of Grady Martin – at least in the realm of personal finance!   I’m realizing that my jeep is not going to make it as long as I had hoped.  Ironically and sadly, my jeep and I both seem to be falling apart lately. I don’t have enough money for both of us to get a complete overhaul so it looks like the jeep will win out.  If I can make it last for at the most two years, I should be good to go. It will take me at least that long to figure out what kind of vehicle I want to purchase next. 

The week ahead is packed as it has been this fall.  Something each evening.  But it will be a great week with much productivity and blessings.  It will be a great week simply because the weather is to be beautiful and WARM!  Thank the Lord.

Beautiful days, folks, beautiful days.  It has been a gorgeous week and the next several days look to be the same way.  Make sure you get out and make the most of it.  Its been a crazy, busy week this week with full days and something every night.  Wednesday night was a late night with friends.  We got hooked on a VH1 show that went to midnight.  But it was too funny to quit on. Yesterday I spent several hours with my mom and my nephew, Bake.  Most of my family has been battling the flu including Blake.  So I went over for a few hours to lend a hand to Mom.  Blake is such a cutie and is fun to play with.  He’s a good-natured little guy.  Incredibly sharp, too.  You have to be careful around him.  He is a quick study and if he sees you do something once (ex. unlocking the dishwasher) he is all over it.  hit the driving range in the afternoon to work on my golf swing.  Last night was CG volleyball and we had a great time.  My team hardly won a game but it was great fun anyway.

Tonight a few of us went to play tennis which was fun.  I’m a little rusty but I’ll work on it over the winter at the Y. I also found a new racquetball player so that should get better too.

Had my final eye appointment today and looks like I’ll be ready to return to contacts after the weekend.  There is some scarring from the infection but shouldn’t be any permanent damage.

Went to Kehoe today because I have some damage to my jeep from my recent trip to Branson.  The plastic replacement part costs $118.  Just crazy.  I think I will leave it as it is.  The missing piece doesn’t matter at all.  I’m not paying $118 for aesthetics.  Shoot – I’ve driven with a cracked windshield for over two years.  I can make this work.  My jeep is 9.5 years old and I need it to last a couple more years if possible.  She’s been a good jeep but I’ve grown accustomed to no car payments and need to keep it there as long as possible.

I have a busy weekend.  Common Ground is having our first worship gathering Saturday night and I have some work on getting that ready.  I’m very excited about this and hope that Mosaic (our worship gathering) will become a regular event.  We do a lot of fun things together but I think we can really had some depth to our relationships by worshipping.  So, I’ve been in much prayer about this event and am trusting God to use it to deepen CG. On Sunday, I’m preaching at Little Bonne Femme Church outside Columbia, MO.  I know their pastor and he asked me to fill the pulpit for him while he is away on their church’s mission trip.  This will be the first time I’ve been a guest preacher at another church.  I have been distracted by Mosaic and other things this week and need to spend tomorrow committing my message to memory and prayer.  It is written.  I just need to memorize it.

Life is looking up.  The past couple of weeks I finally feel like I am returning to the land of the living in some ways.  It is easy to become consumed in mind and spirit by situations in life. To give these situations more credence and emotion than they deserve.  Often it doesn’t become clear how much emotion you’ve devoted to situations until you are on the other side of it.  On the other side where you taste peace and freedom that you’ve not tasted for some time, you realize what you’ve been missing.  It’s wonderful and depressing at the same time.  Wonderful because you realize you are on the good side; depressing because you realize you wasted a part of you for some time in an emotional prison of sorts.  But life isn’t about looking back.  Its about looking forward.  And I’m excited about what is ahead.  The possibilities, the hopes, the experiences, the new relationships with people.  So much new to discover and embrace. I’m energized and I must confess, a little giddy, by the anticipation of tomorrow.   

Need to sign-out and get to bed. Tomorrow is a full day with much to accomplish.  But it will be a great day.  I already know it.  I pray it is a great day for each of you as well.